Saturday, August 16, 2008

Where has time gone??

Wow, I haven't written in ages! Lets play catch up...
My two youngest daughters went on vacation with their dad to Branson, Missouri the week of Aug 3-8th. I was really upset that they were not only gone but because I fear that they are safe. I guess it is a "mom thing". You just never think anyone can take care of them like mom does. The more I thought about they being gone and me being upset, the more I think it is because I am not the one who got to take them. I guess that is the jealous part of me. As their mom, I work so hard to provide the everyday things they need. With school starting this past week, there was another $50 + to spend. I want to have those good memories with my kids. I've never gotten to take them on a vacation of any kind. I have to worry about providing food, clothing, electricity, a home while their dad gets to be the good guy. It hurts because I know they have so many fun memories with their dad. The memories they have with me is the house is always full of daycare kids that tear up their stuff, they only get the necessities because mom can't give them the cool things their friends have and mom saying, "is your homework done?", "did you brush your teeth?", "feed your cat!".
But then I stop and think...I have tried my hardest (with the occasional big speed bump due to my own stupidity) to give them a stable life, unconditional love, hopefully instilled the love of the Lord down deep in their soul, that your family is very important and even when you don't like each other at times, you still love each other like crazy. They may not have memories of getting money spent of things just because, or going to cool places, getting at the most upstanding restaurants and whatever else goes along with a great vacation. But when they are grown and need someone to talk to, they know they can always come home to me. They know they will always have the unconditional love that they have known all their lives.
Life hasn't been easy for us four girls, but we love one another...and always will. And if we can love one another that much, just imagine how much our creator loves us. Talk about unconditional love.
Nobody said life as a Christian is easy and wow, has it every not been easy. But the hard times only makes for the even stronger bond that we already have. Just knowing that God has gotten us through yet another hard is even more reason to know that He is not only real, but very powerful and ever present.
So daughters, if you read this...sorry when I'm grumpy, sorry when I cry, sorry when I'm not paying attention to you (like right now as Brittany and Sierra are sitting here in the room with me and Cody is in the living room watching tv. I know you are leaving to your dads soon and I will miss you like crazy), when I yell when you say you want something that I say we don't have the money for, when your dad gives you things that I can't and I get jealous, and everything else that a single mom feels. It isn't because I am mad at you. It is because I am disappointed in myself. I am upset because I can't get you everything that I want to give you. I love you 3 more than you will ever know and I want only the best for you. I am disappointed in myself for not being able to do more for you. I'm disappointed in myself for marrying someone that I should have known wouldn't work.
I just love you and I hope that if you learn anything at all from your will be to love Jesus with all your heart, all your soul and all your strength. If we went through tough times every day, it would all be worth if you take that one piece of advice...make Jesus your best friend and cling to Him every second of the day!!
I love you BUNCHES!
Okay, time to get out of my pity car, dust myself off once again and love the Lord and my life. My goodness, the girls made it home safe and sound. They still love me (haha) and they have all of their limbs still firmly attached! Once is great and I praise the good Lord for that!

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